The Day I Left Life Behind …

The Preamble: Introduction

Dedicated to: Mental Health Awareness, it’s a real mental and emotional backset.

For the past 22 years, it's been a “very hard struggle,” an ordeal for me to get beyond, and honestly, "I hold myself responsible for what happened." It tore and shredded worlds apart, "being my own.” I can't get past it because of my own ill-responsibility, that I have shown. I’ve convicted myself for this, I am still trying to understand this and why my life turned out this way. Perhaps, it’s because I had a troublesome childhood? I don’t know, but, I’m still trying to make heads and tails of it.

This story has had a “great big impact” on my life, so badly, I retreated myself away from life itself, on November 27th, 1997. This is where it took an unexpected turn in certain events, and it crushed the only dream real to me and still is, held in my heart, and that was "my family." It’s all I dreamed of becoming, was a father, a husband, a provider, the protector for them. I was on that pathway, I worked at the college as the lead carpenter in the carpenter shop at St. Joseph’s College, Rensselaer, IN., and, I leased a full service gas station, just gas and some convenience items, cases of pop, cigarettes, oil, gum, few candy bars and chew for the farmers, Southside Amoco. There was only one thing I really didn’t like about the service station, and that was the fact it was attached to a liquor store.

Someone took this dream from me and shredded and tore it straight from my very chest in which I breathe. There’s been a “very real image carved” in my mind, that brought my life into a “living hell”. A lot of days since then, are hard for me because of this “horrifying image that haunts me, etched there in my mind”, seeing it every single day, since the day I've walked in to “witness this very horrific” act, and now, this horrifying image is real, but I placed myself in self-conviction, which is a sin.

And quite frankly and honestly, God has a very real presence in my life, always has been, and always will be, and I love Him with all my heart and all my soul. He lives within me, and I can’t thank Him enough.

But He, and amoung other people has told me it's not "my fault", how could it be? You had no "control" over the situation, oh, "but I did too, honestly."  I tend to disagree and I know I'm right in this, and my connection with Christ Jesus. But, having to live in a sinful world, brought on by much deeper sins that are beyond my comprehension. Therefore, there must be good and bad in this world and universe, for balance to prevail.

I'm going to be open-minded about this, and, soon you too shall see to a degree, how it was my fault for being so stupid and idiotic for not taking control of this situation that led up to this event.

Support Mental Health Awareness. It’s a very real emotional backset and can cause physical damage as well as mental and emotional affects.